Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Marital Bed Mini Saga

French Hubby recently bought a new mattress for our marital bed, the original one having taken 14 years to wear out...

It is to be delivered today, and last night he gave me precise instructions for the delivery men.

FH: If they offer to take the old mattress away, say yes. The new mattress must be placed in the hallway, not taken to the bedroom.
Antipo: Mmphhhssnnbgg okay... [snoring gently].

This morning I remembered nothing much, so I checked.

Antipo: Please sir, do you want the new mattress to be placed horizontally or vertically in the hallway?
FH: [immediately getting irritated, because it’s blindingly obvious in his dear little man-world, everybody knows how mattresses should be placed, of course]: Well of course I don’t want it horizontal, how will anybody be able to walk through the hallway?
Antipo: I mean, do you want it placed on its side or on its end? And don’t talk to me in that tone of voice so early in the morning!
FH: Just keep it simple, for God’s sake woman! [storms off to work, exasperated with stupid women.]
Antipo: What the fuck does that mean? [Flounces off to sulk in the toilet with Vanity Fair magazine, intending to instruct the delivery men to wrap the damned mattress in spiders’ webs and donkey droppings and hang it from the crystal chandeliers. Ha!]

I doubt that the new mattress will see any action for at least a month. Ha! again.


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