The New Marital Mattress!

The new mattress never arrived last Wednesday as planned. When French Hubby called next day to find out why, no explanation or apology was forthcoming, and a new date was fixed for Saturday. Late Saturday evening the delivery men called us from the centre of town to say "Right, we've arrived, now where do we go from here?" It has happened like this for every delivery we've ever ordered and it just never fails to amaze me that delivery companies do not provide their drivers with if not a GPS or internet-gotten itinerary, at the very least a simple, paper map! It certainly explains why they never showed up on Wednesday, if they lose 30 minutes on each delivery because they have to ring up for directions.

So the exciting new mattress, looking firm, smooth and entirely more voluminous than the old one, is now proudly in place. But oh dear! It is sadly lacking those deeply cosy, Antipo-shaped indentations of the old one that fit me so perfectly!

In fact the new mattress is so firm and swells so proudly that it feels downright convex. When I tried to sleep on my front it felt like I was the lever on the fulcrum of a mountain peak, which pressed my guts to my backbone and seriously impeded the digestive journey of my cheese omelette and green salad. My head and feet dangled helplessly in the void.

Every time I tried turning over to lie on my side, I started rolling down the Alpine slopes. Finally I slept (fitfully) on my back and woke up with my spine bent into a C. My bosom now enters every room before I do.

Oh - and the mattress smells distinctly of whatever anti-allergy chemicals it was treated with to scare off dust mites...

It's also much higher than the old mattress, so I stumbled and fell inelegantly out of bed this morning. I limped and hobbled out to the kitchen, ouch-ing and aie-ing and clutching my lower back. I doubt I'll make it through the day without a long hot bath, some serious drugs and a team of chiropracters and massage therapists.

That mattress is definitely not hosting any nude, bed-top, wrestling matches for a least a month!