Hi, My Name is Antipo and I’m a Creative Swearaholic
You know you’re having a bad day when ten things have made you swear black and blue, and it’s not even 9 am…
1) I was so groggy when I woke up that I took the wrong asthma medicine - the one that gives me the shakes, so I normally only take it at bedtime. Oh shitty-shakey-shit!
2) My erstwhile best friend (pink grapefruit for breakfast) burned and stung me this morning, signalling the presence of a nasty, vindictive mouth ulcer. Buggery-fucky-poo!
3) One offspring threw a tanty when asked to clean a birdcage - he has no school for the next two months! Bollocky-cheeky-buggery! I’m going to find a HARD job for him to do every single day. Oh how I wish the chopping of wood was necessary to make the television function.
4) Another offspring got all sniffy when I tactfully suggested an artistic way of arranging the Maltesers on the cake for her end-of-school party. She wanted an elegant minimalist arrangement of just seven or eight Maltesers in the centre of the cake, but I insisted on adding enough so that every child in the class could have one. She accused me of being a soulless philistine, then cold-shouldered me all the way to school. Cheeky-pissanty-drama-queenness!
5) Tarty and vulgar woman in front of me in the queue at the bakery made my nostrils curl up and die with her vast cloud of cheap, toxic perfume. Slaggy-bitchity-toady-slime!
6) French Drivers Part One: Exaggeratedly loud traffic noises – impatient hooting, squealing brakes and aggressive revving of engines hurt my delicate ears on the way to work. Fucky-wanky-macho-shitheadedness!
7) French Drivers Part Two: A huge truck was blocking a narrow alley so completely that even we pedestrians couldn’t get past! Salty-ass-hat-moronitude!
8) Fabulous espresso cawfee machine at work has run out of cawfee beans. Outright vindictive prickdom!
9) Potential new client did not send his order form as promised. I now have only 24 hours in which to find two new clients in order to meet my monthly target. Bastardy-vile-arseholey-dankness!
10) Own attempt at writing light and humorous blog post has come out all bitter and twisted, hasn’t it? Silly-vapid-has-been-bitchness!
1) I was so groggy when I woke up that I took the wrong asthma medicine - the one that gives me the shakes, so I normally only take it at bedtime. Oh shitty-shakey-shit!
2) My erstwhile best friend (pink grapefruit for breakfast) burned and stung me this morning, signalling the presence of a nasty, vindictive mouth ulcer. Buggery-fucky-poo!
3) One offspring threw a tanty when asked to clean a birdcage - he has no school for the next two months! Bollocky-cheeky-buggery! I’m going to find a HARD job for him to do every single day. Oh how I wish the chopping of wood was necessary to make the television function.
4) Another offspring got all sniffy when I tactfully suggested an artistic way of arranging the Maltesers on the cake for her end-of-school party. She wanted an elegant minimalist arrangement of just seven or eight Maltesers in the centre of the cake, but I insisted on adding enough so that every child in the class could have one. She accused me of being a soulless philistine, then cold-shouldered me all the way to school. Cheeky-pissanty-drama-queenness!
5) Tarty and vulgar woman in front of me in the queue at the bakery made my nostrils curl up and die with her vast cloud of cheap, toxic perfume. Slaggy-bitchity-toady-slime!
6) French Drivers Part One: Exaggeratedly loud traffic noises – impatient hooting, squealing brakes and aggressive revving of engines hurt my delicate ears on the way to work. Fucky-wanky-macho-shitheadedness!
7) French Drivers Part Two: A huge truck was blocking a narrow alley so completely that even we pedestrians couldn’t get past! Salty-ass-hat-moronitude!
8) Fabulous espresso cawfee machine at work has run out of cawfee beans. Outright vindictive prickdom!
9) Potential new client did not send his order form as promised. I now have only 24 hours in which to find two new clients in order to meet my monthly target. Bastardy-vile-arseholey-dankness!
10) Own attempt at writing light and humorous blog post has come out all bitter and twisted, hasn’t it? Silly-vapid-has-been-bitchness!
posted by Antipodeesse @ 12:03 pm
6 Comments:
At Thu Jun 28, 01:36:00 pm,
JChevais said…
Have you ever tried a Kermit scream? They work wonders.
At Thu Jun 28, 04:44:00 pm,
Forest Green said…
Gee, Helen, that's quite the morning you've had! I'd be really curious to know how the rest of this day finishes up for you. Do things improve, or only get worse?
At Thu Jun 28, 08:08:00 pm,
y.Wendy.y said…
Oh hell - that was a truly shite start to the day. Entertaining swear-phrases though. I'll try and remember some of those....rather elegant, I think.
At Fri Jun 29, 02:35:00 pm,
Dumdad said…
I encounter 6) and 7) everyday on my bicycle. Bastardy-dickbrain-tosser-bastards!!!!!
At Tue Jul 03, 08:50:00 pm,
islandgirl4ever2 said…
OH Antipod!!
You are hilarious and you gave me a good laugh in spite of the fact that you sounded irratated and ticked off... I can relate to the shitty drivers here!!
At Wed Jul 04, 08:29:00 am,
Unknown said…
The "Slaggy-bitchity-toady-slime" was my favourite!
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