Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Trouble



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JOHNSON, TODGER, SLEAZEFOOT & RAUNCH
A Professional Limited Liability Company
A t t o r n e y s A t L a w


SebChab Towers
Suite 666
10 Road of the Charm
Goodmont
Las Vegas, NV10408
United States of America




Dear Ms. Mac,

In accordance with the instructions of my Client, Ms. Antipo Déesse, I wish to inform you that she is regretfully considering legal action against you, pertaining to your choice of Christmas gift which you bestowed upon my Client on the evening of Friday November twenty-third, Two Thousand and Seven.

Your recent hospitality and long, heretofore unblemished record of friendship with my client notwithstanding, you may nonetheless be able to appreciate my Client’s bewilderment and distress upon opening the aforementioned Christmas gift.



EXHIBIT A







The surely intentional prominence and bold rendering of the legend “DRAMA QUEEN” inescapably lead (or rather mis-lead) the casual observer to make certain libellous assumptions about the personality and character of my Client.

My dear Ms. Mac, the appellation is patently absurd! My Client is neither a representative of the monarchy in a legal, or historical sense; nor could she properly be described as dramatic (adj. 1. of drama. 2. like a drama in suddenness, emotional impact, etc. 3. striking, effective. 4. acting or performed in a flamboyant way.)*

My Client wishes to draw your attention to the catalogue of Jamie Oliver Cheeky Mugs by Royal Worcester contained within the packaging of the Christmas gift.



EXHIBIT B





This list provides a series of porcelain tea mugs embossed with alternative appellations, which my Client feels you might have considered purchasing, had you invested but a modicum of thought and energy into your decision. Appellations which, it must be said, more accurately represent her true personality. “CUTIE PIE” and “SEX BOMB” are two examples which spring immediately to mind.

Despite the grave emotional trauma and psychological injury sustained by my Client, she bears you no malice. My Client sincerely hopes and wishes firstly, that you will recognize and concede the unfortunate error of judgement you have committed; and secondly, that you will be willing to perform reparations of a monetary nature, and of course provide – at the very least – a written and contrite apology for the harm inflicted.

In the event that no such action or reparations on your part are forthcoming, or indeed, in the absence of a response from you within thirty days, my Client regretfully feels she will have no alternative but to resort to legal action; namely, to bring a suit against you for Defamation and Breach of the False Descriptions Act of 1905, Section 12, which states:

“(1) No person shall:

(a) intentionally apply any false description to any friend or acquaintance intended or entered for publication or featured in any form of media, electronic or otherwise, or bring that person’s name into disrepute; or
(b) intentionally comment upon or publish any reports for public consumption in any form of media, electronic or otherwise, about a person to whom a false description is applied.

(2) A person who contravenes subsection (1) is guilty of an offence and is punishable on conviction by a fine not exceeding $10,000.

Yours very obsequiously,
Mr Giorgio Clooless

Attorney at Law
JOHNSON, TODGER, SLEAZEFOOT & RAUNCH



Cc: Ms. Antipo Déesse




*Collins English Dictionary

2 Comments:

  • At Mon Nov 26, 05:54:00 pm, Blogger ViVi said…

    geez, what a drama queen!!

    (tee hee!)

     
  • At Tue Nov 27, 10:22:00 am, Blogger Doc said…

    Ms Mac, darling, I propose a counter suit, considering that a) a gift given to YOU is not even mentioned here, and thus zero gift is obviously worse than Drama Queen gift, because we ALL know how it's just so about HER and b) The charming boutique where aforementioned mug was purchased was obviously out of the more appropriate Bossy Boots, Chatter Box, and unlisted Spank My Bottom Because I Likes It mugs. YOU, at least, made an effort, whereas SHE did what exactly? Warmed her bottom in your lovely new car at YOUR expense? Slurped down YOUR stash of Lovely Drinkable Yummies? Snacked on YOUR nibbles? I hardly think the fault of the boutique for sticking the necessary mugs for this Drama Queen constitutes gross negligence on your part.
    Here if you need more Leagal Aid...
    Doc

     

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