Dearest Mrs Discus Champion,

What is the state of your aches and pains today my Dear? Did you spend the weekend blissfully spinning out on prescription drugs and getting sensual massages from The Lovely Mr. Mac? Or is he gallivanting in bloody Canada again? I can’t keep track of that man’s movements!

From the Physical Disfigurement News Desk today: you’ll be relieved to know that my inconvenient eyebrow twitch has righted itself. However it has been replaced by a new twitch, in a small muscle between my nostril and upper lip, giving me a rather sexy sneer, à la Elvis Presley. Actually, I suspect it would be rather sexy, if only it remained constant. Sadly, it wavers, flickering from sexy to retarded, and back again. Just be grateful that your hideous disfigurements can be hidden beneath your clothes. Thank God for my aubergine hair and Wonderbra, which hopefully distract the eye from my current affliction. I have no idea what could be causing this mysterious facial neuralgia. Any suggestions, Oh Highly Esteemed Dr Ms. Mac?

Will report my scintillating weekend to you after I have accomplished a jot or two of work.

Muchos Moanday Mwahs to you,

Ms. Twitchy McTicTic

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