Hi, My Name Is Antipo, and I’m an Aspie

Dearest Doctor Ms. Mac,

Never mind your cold and sciatica, what about my syndrome? It was once suggested that my son might be suffering from a touch of Asperger’s syndrome, although I now know this is not the case. However, I did a lot of reading about the subject. I spent the weekend reading Jerry and Mary Newport’s memoir Mozart and the Whale. The fact that The Lovely Josh Hartnett (with whom I'm not at all obsessed) played Jerry Newport in the movie about their life, has absolutely nothing to do with my interest in the book. It is pure coincidence that his big brown eyes and pouty lips appear on the poster for the movie and did not attract my eye at all.

If it weren’t for the fact that I patently don’t suffer from the main symptom - severe trouble with social situations – I would declare myself to be a fully-fledged, self-diagnosed Aspie. There is a wide variety of symptoms within the Asperger’s range, but my “symptoms” closely resemble Jerry’s:

- obsession with birds
- explosions of bad temper manifested in violent shouting fits
- dislike of any changes in routines and lack of detailed organisation
- appearing to lack empathy
- a formal style of speaking that is advanced for the subject's age
- avoids eye contact
- unusual facial expressions or postures
- preoccupation with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about (in my case, bosoms and food)
- talks a lot, usually about a favourite subject; one-sided conversations are common.
- heightened sensitivity and becomes over-stimulated by loud noises, prone to sensory overload.

When you have time in your busy laundry schedule, dear Dr. Ms. Mac, I would be very grateful to receive your diagnosis and perhaps a prescription. I could be an idiot savant, couldn’t I?

Love and repetitive, OCD kisses,
Antipo
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