Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

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Friday, November 07, 2008

Swiss Friday

Dearest Ms. Mac,

I’m feeling very Swiss today! Shall I tell you why?

I dressed this morning in my fabulous red coat, tightly buttoned, had my scarf neatly tucked in and my hair in a tidy chignon (oh là là !)

As I walked briskly through my village with a intimidatingly efficient air, my head up, shoulders down and back ramrod straight, I noticed to my great displeasure, that a house which had obviously hosted a children’s birthday party weeks ago was still sporting some tatty, shrivelled up old balloons on its front gate!

The word which immediately sprang to mind was schlampig! Admittedly, this might not be a good Swiss-German word, but in old-fashioned Hochdeutsch it means ‘slovenly’, and it’s one of my favourite words, as you can imagine.

So I tut-tutted, and pursed my lips in disapproval. I even considered ringing the Schlampes' doorbell, or writing them a note, to let them know how unacceptable this was, but I didn't want to be late for work. Such a dilemma! I had to settle for casting a scowly, evil look in the direction of the house. I think that will help them see the error of their ways.

Then I noticed the disorderly autumn leaves strewn in totally irregular patterns across the footpath, and I had to scurry to work, looking neither right nor left, my heels tap-tapping loudly to cover my irritation, before anymore unpleasantness could disturb my peace of mind.

Re: your vexing problem of stolen identity.

Um… I have to come clean Guv’nor… it was me.

I am the guilty party. I adore you so much and envy you your exotic life so deeply, that I was compelled to try and be you, just for a day or two, in the hopes that a micro-milligramme of your utter fabulousness might rub off onto me. Also, all your tasty boyfriends from the past have been popping up out of the woodwork and, you will be pleased to know, are ecstatic to be in touch with you again.

So, stalkery love and usurpy kisses,




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