Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Dearest Ms. Mac,

Thanks to my newest bestest bloggie girlfriend, The Lovely Niamh, I will no longer be referring to my offspring as my offspring, but as my crotchfruit.

Muchos besos,

Monday, March 16, 2009

Darling Eyelash Queen,

It's utterly ridiculous to think that either you or I would need silk extract in any product for down there. I don't know about your vulva dahlink, (Sigh..... I can dream can't I?) but mine already feels like silk. That's why it's in such high demand.

Yours with naughty pink thoughts,

Princess Pretty Nails

Now I Know The World Really Has Gone Utterly Mad

Dearest Ms. Mac,

A strange and shocking thing happened to me in the Feminine Hygiene aisle of the supermarket yesterday. As you know, I am a true fairy princess, and have absolutely no need of accessories for my hygiene. I was simply passing through, on my way to the Glittery Dust and Magic Wands aisle.

Did you know, indeed, can you believe that it is possible to purchase a brand of panty liners containing “silk extract” and another brand of panty liners containing “Vitamin E”, in these dizzying times of consumer insanity?

Darls, correct me if I’m wrong, but since when have our vulvas needed silk extracts and vitamin E in order to function correctly? Do the manufacturers really expect that we will eagerly be throwing our hard-earned cash at them, in the sad belief that we wish for silkier and more energized lady gardens? God! Next thing you know, we’ll be lining up for acrylic nails and eyelash extensions!

Yours in disbelief,


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thursday Intercourse with Ms. Mac

Dearest Darls,

I expect you are all busy with inviting a gajillion readers to a viewing of your Private Parts, hope all goes well!

Have ghastly migraine and a grockly little man is drilling in the office just above my head. I may have to commit suicide or go home to bed.

Choices, choices....

Feeble kisses but unwavering love,



I'm getting a bit panicky because I didn't know that you're only allowed 100 private readers and I am nearing 90!!! WTF???

Have to go out later to buy ingredients for Patrick to cook dinner tomorrow night. He asked and gave the following menu - insalate caprese, his bacon, pea and sage pasta and lemon cheesecake. Cheesecake has to be baked tonight so will go and get all stuff today. He can be such a treasure sometimes but other times I want to strangle him. Like the other night, I asked if he could peel the potaotes and he actually said NO to me!!!! Can you believe it? Would you ever had said No to your mother? I made him switch off the Xbox and gave him an hour's worth of chores to do as a punishment. That might learn him!

I have the most fabulous CD which I will have to load onto your iPod thingy (haven't taken it back yet but will do so soon) and am currently listening to Stevie Wonder's Signed Sealed Delivered followed by Rod Stewart's Maggie May followed by Steve Harley's Make Me Smile (Come up and see me) and then Stealers Wheel Stuck in the Middle With You. Awesome. I am awash with nostalgia.

I see your feeble kisses and raise you a big, sloppy tonguey,



Darls! you made the same mistake as did I in my careless youth and misread the Blogger regumalations:

Blogger will only allow 100 contributers, but you can have as many private dancers as you wish (I have a mere 108)!

You can spank me later.

I do wish you would stop harping on about Cheesecake, especially when I'm feeling so fragile...



Oh phew!!!

Thank you my dear, what ever would I do without you?

You know what I still don't get - that young dude, the Kiwi in Berlin. What could us two ropey old birds possibly have to interest him?

108!! Yowza. And yet you still can't be bothered updating! Hint hint.


P.S. My blogger def says I can only have 100 readers. But that's ok. I will just start an exclusive waiting list. It'll be like waiting for a Birkin.


I just did a mini tiny update to satisfy you(r urges).

And what's a Birkin?

Love & ignorant kisses,


P.S. You are obviously on the wrong Blogger. Or Blogger likes me better than you....
P.P.S. Re: Young Kiwi in Berlin: He obviously sees that we are twins and has a kinky thing about twins. Oooh er, Missus!
I think I could have a kinky thing about Sebastian Chabal and his long lost twin...
P.P.P.S. Permission to post ALL of today's intercourse on the Naughty Blog tonight? Too busy at work right now.
Have not yet committed suicide.



Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Quizzical Question

Dearest Alpine Maiden with Buns of Steel,

So I was walking to work in the wintry, clear blue air this morning, feeling all Robert Frost poetic-like in my appreciation of Mother Nature and her fab designer clothes, when a thought struck me.

Are you ready? It may lead to a task for you.

Why, when admiring the thick white layer of frost coating the grass and the ground in a miraculously even layer, was my eye drawn to an object covered in much longer, thicker ice crystals than are to be found on the rest of the ground?

The mystery object was of course a dog poo.

I really need you to find out what element it is in the biological or chemical composition of dog poo which causes the frost to form more thickly and lushly than on the grass or concrete. This would really take a load off my mind and ease my suffering.

I know I can count on you. You being an expert in cold things and all.

Yours in a spirit of loving scientific enquiry,


P.S. Are you and Mr Mac planning on ravishing me very publicly in a Hot Threesome at The Lovely Doc's house this weekend? Should I bring my school uniform and feather duster?