Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Monday, May 28, 2007


Even my Roumanian business contacts in Roumania are now saying “Not a problem” and “No worries!”

You Aussies have got a lot to answer for!

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Oh dear, apparently my new, low-cut summer blouse is more revealing than I intended.

I nearly caused three separate car crashes in my tranquil little village today.

I do apologise most sincerely to any unsuspecting motorists I may have inadvertently perturbed.

My contrition runs not very deep though: I'm feeling rather smug about it!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Letter to The Lovely Aussie Lass and Handsome Bob

Dar Ling! and Sweetie Pie!

You know I adore you both! I would never criticise your Utter Loveliness(es)!

And, although I know you are both terribly busy and important in your sweet little job thingies, I am a tiny bit hurt (well mortally wounded, and gushing great streams of life-sustaining arterial blood actually), that neither of you commented on my Bob & Katia Do Paris post ....

Was it the "Katia acted like a celebrity" remark? Did it offend you in some way? You know, my Precious Petal, that it was only a device of comedic effect, intended to goad you into a smart-arsed reply! Ah yes, I am a wise old woman now, and I know (or remember) how youthful minds work. I take a special pleasure in twisting and manipulating youthful minds, and bending them to my dark, sinister will...

Or perhaps Bob is unhappy about having his name associated with the world famous Toilet Karma Theory...

But fear not! We can still be friends, if you rectify the situation at your earliest possible convenience!

Of course I do realise you must have been busy lately, what with swanning all over the countryside and socialising with wholesome young people who have no hidden agenda relating to their blogs.

But I feel I must confess my heretofore previously hidden weakness... whenever one of my precious blog posts - created so lovingly by my own fair hands - languishes with the chilling proclamation "0 COMMENTS" emblazoned the width of its fair bottom, I do feel quite heartbroken and dispirited, not to mention a trifle nauseous.

Yours, in self-pity,


Smitten All Over Again

Dear The Lovely Ms. Mac,

Oh, how could I not adore you, when you write me such gems as this:

"House so filthy and disgusting that I can see the salmonella and e-coli building little metropoli."

It's like falling in love with you all over again.

My knees are bruised and bleeding from the genuflecting I perform daily in front of your portrait. But I care not for my misshapen limbs!

You give me a reason to live! (You and the M&Ms I'm nibbling with my office coffee this morning).

Monday, May 14, 2007

Fragile Monday

I'm a bit pre-migrainey today and therefore even more sensitive than usual to loud noises, and even not-very-loud noises...

The Lovely Ms. Mac already thinks it’s hilarious that I cannot eat Rice Krispies (the snap! crackle! and POP! turn me into a trembling, gibbering wreck). Just think how amusing it would be if you could see me leap ten feet in the air at every passer-by who lets out a cough, sneeze or a laugh - not to mention the odd backfiring car, which actually causes quasi-cardiac arrest in my feeble little thorax.

The day started badly at 5 am: Evil French Hubby did that popping sound with his mouth in his sleep, his face only inches from mine, and it jerked me awake in the most terrifying manner. My entire body actually left the mattress in fright and remained elevated for several seconds. I may not survive another attack like that. He may have to sleep with a bag on his head tonight.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Bob and The Toilet Karma Theory

The Lovely Aussie Lass and I had the great honour of meeting Handsome Bob in Paris last week. He and two of his daughters jetted in all the way from the USA to meet us! In fact, I had been hoping for a Hot Date with him, and duly locked my children in their dungeon. But Bob had his two teenage appendages, and I had Aussie Lass, who elbowed her way in without even saying please, so we were extremely (overly) well chaperoned...

I’ve had a massive crush on Handsome Bob for a long time. Ms. Mac naturally wanted to hear all about it, but I can’t talk about him without going all smoooshy inside... Goddamn, every time he spoke to me he flashed his dimples at me! I defy any woman to resist. I always thought his blog very wholesome and “apple pie”, in an utterly charming way. However in person he has a very sly (and dirty!) sense of humour and is constantly teasing his girls. I got teased all day too, and kept falling for his subtle jokes. I didn't mind, I told him "Baby, you can tease any where, any time!" He comes across as quiet and self-contained, but is extremely confident. He's tall, dark and handsome, has beautiful hands, a distinguished beard, and I think I’ll just shut up now.

Laura and Katelyn, the appendages, had the most exquisite manners! I thought all teenagers were horrible, but they are very refined young ladies; so polite and not shy or sullen at all. We had a lot of fun conversation. Their lives are so interesting and I really enjoyed their company.

We strolled around the Latin Quarter and I got us lost because of my chatter, so I thrust the map at manly Handsome Bob and let him do the navigating. We had lunch at a New Zealand restaurant, Kiwi Corner, decorated with enough photos and Pacific style décor to make me very homesick indeed. I had crab cakes with wasabi mayonnaise (delish!) and hoki fish fillet with spicy pear chutney (fabulous). Handsome Bob chose raw tuna marinated in coconut milk and the hoki fillet. Katelyn had a kangaroo steak and LOVED it! Little Laura had a massive Aussie surf'n' turf: steak, fish and prawns all one one plate! It was good to see such an un-French meal like that. Handsome Bob is very knowledgeable about wine and chose a Sauvignon Blanc from Marlborough. He tried to educate me, but I just kept drowning in his gaze and couldn't concentrate at all!

Afterwards we walked all around the Jardin du Luxembourg, which was stunning, and offered plenty of shade from the blazing sun. My guests loved the Frenchness of the scenery and took beautiful photos. Handsome Bob loves flowers and was amazed at the huge lilacs and the shiny tulips, some of which were so dark purple they were nearly black. You can see literally hundreds of his and Laura’s photos on his Flickr account here.

Aussie Lass joined us for some shopping after work. I pouted a bit when she explained her Muffin Man, Sylvain, had to work late and couldn't be with us. I'll catch up with you soon Sylvain! She was great fun, and relieved me of the burden of entertaining our visitors! She was amazed to learn that the girls were excited to meet her, because they listen to her "show" (podcasts that she produces with Kyliemac)! She felt like a celeb! She acted like one too (kidding!).

Katia took us over the Ile de la Cité and Ile St. Louis for a Berthillon ice cream. Poor Handsome Bob had an ice-cream-on-the-trousers accident. I refrained from lending a helping hand, which took a HUGE amount of self-restraint, and merely passed him some paper napkins.

Later we had dinner at the strangely deserted café at the Gare de Lyon, where Handsome Bob explained his world famous Toilet Karma Theory (that's for me to know, and you to find out!). Sadly we were chased away at 10 pm by a harried waiter wanting to close up! We ended up having tea and strawberries in a brasserie across the road. I had to run like hell to get my last train home but just missed it and had to catch the RER to another town and splash out on a taxi home. Ah well! It was worth it.

All in all I think we showed them a good time, didn’t we Katia? Either that, or they couldn’t understand a word of our Kiwi and Aussie vowels, and all their smiles and encouraging nods were in fact just good manners…