Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wicked Wednesday

Dearest Aunty Ms. Mac,

No work today! It feels soooooo good to be all cosy at home and not to have to venture out in the big, bad world.

I seem to have carelessly misplaced my children (one ran away to the French grandparents' and the other is attending a pre-Hallowe'en sleepover party), so I have invited some raucous Aussies for lunch and will spend the morning preparing the following:

- beetroot, orange and walnut salad
- carrot, sesame, chicken and avocado starter with sweet Thai chili sauce
- Nigella's mirin-glazed salmon
- Vivi's Fat Fat Creamed Potatoes in Fat
- Rich chocolate gateau with sour cream and wafer thin slices of crystallised ginger
- fab cawfee to finish.

I do hope you approve. Must rush to the hot stove now and start slaving. My favourite pastime!

Missing you horribly, but managing to entertain myself nonethess.

Happy kisses,



Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Six Random Things Meme

I was tagged by The Lovely Daisy!

Six random things about me that you didn't already know.

1. I am a born again fitness nazi, have lost some weight and am doing some sport every day: am loving the new sensations of muscles in my thighs and abdomen, but I try not to talk about it for fear of boring people.

2. My pumpkin soup is the best in the entire universe and I get quite bitchy when people try to offer me their great-auntie’s recipe, because MINE CANNOT BE SURPASSED.

3. I still haven’t signed up for those Humility Classes I keep meaning to attend.

4. I dislike children (including my own) and would rather be sipping cocktails, writing novels, entertaining a legion of lovers and getting a massage at a health club three times a week.

5. My head is inhabited by several different personalities, and they all get along quite well, even though some of them do bitch about the others behind their backs.

6. The day my sense of humour fails me, is the day I curl up and die. Also, the world will probably stop revolving on its axis and a comet will almost certainly smash our planet to bits.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Dearest Aunty Ms. Mac,

How thrilling to see you basking in your new-found auntiness! I must say, your exalted new status suits you very well.

I don't wish to boast, but as you know, I have myself been an auntie for five years now, and I am happy to say that I have performed my auntly duties to the best of my abilities.

Please don't ever feel that you can't come to me for any advice or coaching! As you know I am not a superior or haughty type, but a warm-hearted, humble individual, and I am just panting to bestow the blessing of all my worldly knowledge and experience upon you and all my little friends. You will be so honoured to receive the fruits of my vast wisdom!

Please don't thank me for my kind offer. It comes from the very bottom of my heart.

With wise love and supremely elegant kisses,

Aunty Antipo


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Expecting, Linzertorte, Jodi Picoult. It's all happening here, baby!


How happy I am to bring some excitement into your vacuum of mothingness. Today, not only have I seen with my very own eyes a steam train!, But I am also expecting a very special delivery. Extra-special. Send your very best thoughts.

It may tickle you to know that I got an amusing comment on one of my book reviews, a Jodi Picoult book. It reads thusly:

"i actually liked this book and all the other Jodi Picoult books.
you shouldnt judge her on onlyone of her books.
if you dont like them and think you could do better i'd like to see you write a novel and get an award for it!!

I am refraining from responding and going to concentrate on writing that award winning novel instead. I'll be staying away from Jodi Picoult novels in future since it seems that a side-effect of reading her novels is a tendency to lose the power of punctuation, a skill I am quite fond of.

Oh, and now Patrick has just brought home a Linzertorte from his baking class in school. It's a great day indeed!

Have I brightened your day? Pray tell me I have!

With expectant love and cakey kisses,


The Guiness Book of World Records Came Knocking!

Dearest Ms. Mac,

I am proud to announce that I have set a new world record! Yes, today I am officially The Most Boring Person in the Universe! Nothing is happening here, nothing at all. I am the Queen of the Bland. My mind is a vacuum, my fingers are an empty production line.

Also, it is raining in my Quaint Village today. Cats and dogs.

Muchos bland besos,



Monday, October 20, 2008

Thought For The Day

Dearest Ms. Mac,

Do you know what I would like people to say about me when I'm dead?

"That Antipo, she had really good posture, didn't she?"
"Mmm, yeah, she really did."

In other news, my mid-life crisis has propelled me into a new career as a rampant shoes-and-handbags shopaholic.

I spent Saturday in Paris with my offspring, needed (no really, I NEEDED) one pair of elegant, but comfortable high-heeled shoes for the two cocktail parties I will be attending in Geneva for work next month. So I was prepared to fork out a bit more dosh than I usually would, you know, for a quality product. The bloody saleslady showed me a matching handbag which I don't need and couldn't afford. But I bought it. And I love it.

It's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

Thoughtful love and straight-backed kisses,


Monday, October 13, 2008

Have you seen the size of my husband’s pumpkins?!

Dearest Ms. Mac,

Have you seen the size of my husband’s pumpkins?!

This one weighed in at 7.4 kg. A fine specimen indeed.

I naturally had to lock my children in the basement in order to get the peace and quiet necessary to produce a vast, simmering cauldron of my world famous Supercilious Bitch Pumpkin Soup.

Two sweet, white Cévennes onions (my onions are so smart, they were each wearing a little sticker to prove their origin) were sweated in butter, with a few shavings of juicy carrot and a very small diced potato. Handfuls of ginger, nutmeg, all spice, paprika and and garam masala were thrown into the pot with gay abandon. A soupçon of brown sugar joined the melting pot.

The roasted pumpkin slices were peeled and diced, then simmered for 20 minutes in the spices and a litre of vegetable stock. I puréed the lot with my magic wand, added a drop of milk and served with a dusting of freshly grated nutmeg.

Culinary love and soupy kisses,



P.S. You’ll be pleased to know, in a show of true soulie-ship, that our menstrual cycles have now synchronised. So that’s nice.

Anti-Antipo Climax

Dearest Ms. Mac,

How did your weekend score on the Excitement-o-meter?

I am feeing rather miffed (if I were a complete pervert, I would say that I am feeling Miffy, but I’m only half a pervert, as you know, so I shall refrain from using any sleazy references to fluffy children’s icons just to pull in the Googling punters for some cheap publicity).

So… what ? … where am I ? Oh yeah, feeling upset because last night I wrote you a stonking, stupendous blog post, with revealing photographs and everything! But disaster struck and our internet connexion went down, so I was not able to publish it. You will have to wait until tonight when we shall see if Mr Fixit has done something to remedy this grave problem.

So today I am feeling rather uninspired and downcast. I think I shall spend the day writing on my anonymous pornie blog in order to cheer myself up. Even you don’t have the password to that one! It’s really naughty!

Pornie love and sexpot kisses,



Friday, October 10, 2008

This Missive Brought To You By The Colour Whorish Red

Dearest Love,

In an ideal world, teenagers would be raised by their fathers between the ages of 12 and 21 while mothers lay in the sun sipping champagne being served (and perhaps even serviced) by well-toned, oiled-up, fuzzy-chested, not-too-young-to know-what's-what hunky spunks wearing the bare minimum who occasionally have to bend over to pick things up right in front of us. For me, it's the just desserts for having given birth to the little ingrates and then reared them successfully to the stage where they can throw all your efforts right back in your face.

Alas! I have no sexual adventures from last night to entertain you with on this fine morn. I did paint my fingernails a very sexy and daringly whorish bright red- my word, I fancy myself with these hands right now- but poor old Mr Mac was too tired last night to have me dig them into his buttocks, or indeed even look at them, and retired to bed early. Pffft!

I'd write more but I started reading that strange, eerie and absorbing book, the one your brother loaned us and it's almost unputdownable.

More later, when I find out just exactly what has been going on in the Highlands of Scotland. I always knew they were a bit strange up there!

Painted nail love and whorish red kisses,


God, I Hate Teenagers (Especially In The Mornings)

Dearest Ms. Mac,

Do you remember when we once confessed that if we had known earlier just how adorable (not to mention soft) hamsters can be, we woud have given birth to rodents instead of children? We were totally right!

Why can I not get a peaceful cup of tea down my throat in the mornings, without my horrible offspring sniping at each other, quibbling and answering me back in snippy, exasperated tones? I used to be such a lovely, morning person, but not any more!

God help me, I'm going to have to lock them up in a rabbit hutch each and push pellets and greenery under the door, so I can sit alone at the breakfast table every morning and wake up in a reasonable manner.

I just know they will one day publish their memoirs of their horrendous childhood, and the opening line will be:

My mother was the grumpiest bitch on earth in the mornings...

And it's so unfair! I used to be a nice person. In the olden days.

Requesting tea and sympathy Darls!



Thursday, October 09, 2008

Dearest Long Lost Antipo,

Ooooh! Don't you look loverly in those photos of you flirting and giggling talking seriously about very important matters with your oiled-up, shirtless love gods boring businessmen? Your coat is GORGEOUS! I would wager as gorgeous as those aforementioned fried cheese balls are bound to be!

Nothing, with a capital ABSOLUTELY happening here. I took Ewan to Burger King for lunch. I had a whopper with bacon and cheese and he had a double cheeseburger. That's about the most exciting thing that has happened since I watched the last of Lost in Austen.

I wish I could be more entertaining. I shall endeavour to have some sort of adventure this evening, perhaps of a sexual nature, to keep you entertained tomorrow.



Parmesan and Parsley Fritters

Dearest Darls,

You are so good to me! This recipe sounds goddam wonderful. Fried cheese and I were meant to be together.

Am otherwise having a big, hairy, jobbies sort of day. Thank God internet is back on in the office, although I don't know wot I'll do with it, as I'm totally afflicted with writer's block and can muster not a jot of enthusiasm for writing anything.

I do hope you are suffering equally, so we can mutually support each other in the Enormous Shouldering of our Simultaneous Existential Crises.

Wot you 'avin' for lunch then? Tuna salad sammie, apples and yoghurt (peach! peachy!) for me, yumbo.

Meaningless Love and Existentially Empty Quisses,



Friday, October 03, 2008

Friday in Munich: Working Hard and Missing You

Dearest Ms. Mac,

Have been working the room since 8 am, have not voice left, am nicely pissed on champagne, and my colleagues tell me that a neverending stream of my admirers called for me at our booth and were disappointed I was not there. Red NZ coat with black stockings and stilettoes a huge success.

I would rather be sitting on your balcony drinking tea with you though. Handsome men are mere playthings to me, but soulies are for evah!

Femme fatale kisses,



Thursday, October 02, 2008

Road to München

Dearest Antipo is on the road again. By the wonder of sext message, I give you her stories:

On The Road Again

Dearest Stay at Home Ms Mac, heavy is my heart as the company vehicle bears me and my four colleagues towards Germany and away from my office computer, my life line, my electronic conduit for our daily passionate love letters. One tiny silvery lining to the dark cloud of my despair is that we will be passing through Zürich shortly! So rather than merely sending you kinetically a cordial "Bonjour!" from my brain to your Salutations Receptor, I will be geographically close enough to send you a full-on, technicolour, powerfully throbbing soulie air-kiss as we whizz past. I dare say the emotion of this fleeting moment may be strong enough to knock you off your feet. Indeed, you may need to forego any plans you had for hoovering or laundry and have a little lie-down, followed by a restorative cuppa. I shall personally inform Mr Mac that I have given you the morning off. Please blog this and all subsequent communications, and bear in mind I will be checking for typos. (Editor's Note: I'm not sure the lovely Antipo meant the last sentence to be blogged. I left it in so that you, dear reader, can see the conditions under which I slave.)


(See above editor's note for this one too) Your Christmas bonus hangs in the balance! Stand by for next update from sunny Lake Constance. Jet-set love and backseat driver kisses, Antipo xxxxxx


OMG! I'm in Switzerland! Can you hear me yodelling? It's all pretty spires, red-gold leaves and brown tiled, sloping roofs. Have just crossed the border at Basel and am only 80kms from Zürich. Put the kettle on and position yourself on t'balcony with a white hanky. Ooops! I just remembered that you probably haven't done the laundry yet- better make that a floral patterned or dark-coloured hanky. The company of my.....

(Editor's Note: darling Antipo must have used a lot of swear words in the next bit of her sext. The satellites simply refused to wing her message towards me. It better not have been her marriage proposal to me!)

UPDATE by Antipo:

It should have read:

The company of my colleagues is proving surprisingly tolerable, even if they do demonstrate a tedious passion for discussing politics (not global or even US, but merely local - yawn), and display a truly shocking indifference to Posh Spice's new haircut, or whether Brad and Angelina are splitting up.

In compensation, I enjoyed a fabulous lunch of fried fish with green and yellow courgettes (most aesthetically pleasing), chocolate gateau with raspberry coulis and a glass of Bordeaux.

Must leave you now as my nails urgently require filing, and an annoying thread dangling from my sleeve is calling out to be stitched up, before it drives me batty.

Busy and important kisses,

Antipo xxxx

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Antipo Has Left The Building

Dearest Ms. Mac,

You will just have to get along and solve the planetary problems and global economic collapse without me, for I am leaving for Munich on business tomorrow. Don't expect to hear any intelligence until next Monday at the earliest!

Sadly I will not be lifting steins of Weißbier to your good health at the Oktoberfest, I shall merely be making my company lots and lots of money by shaking a lot of hands, handing out gazillions of brochures, and sashaying around the trade fair in a tight red dress. If all else fails, I may have to resort to good, old-fashioned sales talk.


Germanic Liebe und Küssis,