Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Is It International Bitch On Wheels Day Today?

As I gingerly negotiated the icy footpaths with all the speed and grace of a retarded mollusc on my way to work this morning, I heard an elderly lady call out to a decrepit old guy across the street as he emerged from his house. She said "Faites attention à ne pas glisser !" (Be careful not to slip over!) He laughed and replied "Oui, c'est très rock 'n' roll ce matin, hein?"

Had I been in a more joyful and benevolent mood, full of my habitual milk of human kindness, I would have thought "Aah, how sweet to hear an old fossil using such a groovy expression... Old people can be surprisingly cool sometimes."

Alas, that kind thought failed to cross my mind. I sourly thought to myself "Stupid old fucker... I do believe the Simon & Garfunkel song 'Slip-Sliding Away' would be entirely more appropriate in these cirucumstances actually."

Would someone pass the happy pills?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Molester

At work I make many phone calls every day, to people all over the world. For some of my contacts I have both an office and a mobile phone number. Because I was well brought up, I always try and call them on the office number first, as I don't like to disturb a contact if he or she is in a meeting, for example. However, if the secretary encourages me to call my contact on the mobile, I do so. I always begin by introducing myself and saying politely "I hope I'm not disturbing you?"

Be patient - the point of the story will soon be revealed.

I make my sales calls in four languages. The Spanish verb "to disturb" is molestar.

My absolute favourite thing in the whole wide world is to ring up and say "Hola Señor, it's Antipo from Acme Inc., I hope I'm not molesting you?"

Sunday, December 03, 2006


Imagine my delight to come across this bottle of wine in the supermarket yesterday.

I’m a bit of a snob and usually only buy wine from my Little Man in the Village, but I just had to buy this one, for its comedic value alone. Sadly it was very inexpensive, so I’m not sure if it will taste any good. But still.

That reminds me; at work I often have to create new client codes comprising three numbers and one letter. It tickles my fancy to give the non-Anglophone clients the naughtiest codes possible, thus: