Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Mmmm, Tasty!

French Hubby is too shy to appear on any of my blogs,
but here's a photo of my New Zealand lover....

Monday, January 30, 2006

Amazing Scientific Discovery!

I just made myself a cup of tea with an old fashioned French boule à thé, which is a metallic, egg-shaped tea strainer jobby on a chain. You fill one half with loose leaf tea, screw the other half back on and dangle it in your cup of boiling water until it has steeped to the desired strength. It's charmingly quaint and ecologically sound. I have probably saved 0.0000002985032 of an entire tree by not using a tea bag.

Anyway, as I idly jiggled the boule up and down on its silver chain, my vigorous, yet incredibly dainty, movements forced air bubbles through the holes at the bottom of the boule and out of the holes at the top, and the resulting mini explosions sounded exactly like my bath farts!

Has this ever happened to anyone else, or am I truly unique (in a wild-eyed, straggly-haired, facial twitchy kinda way)?

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The New Marital Mattress!

The new mattress never arrived last Wednesday as planned. When French Hubby called next day to find out why, no explanation or apology was forthcoming, and a new date was fixed for Saturday. Late Saturday evening the delivery men called us from the centre of town to say "Right, we've arrived, now where do we go from here?" It has happened like this for every delivery we've ever ordered and it just never fails to amaze me that delivery companies do not provide their drivers with if not a GPS or internet-gotten itinerary, at the very least a simple, paper map! It certainly explains why they never showed up on Wednesday, if they lose 30 minutes on each delivery because they have to ring up for directions.

So the exciting new mattress, looking firm, smooth and entirely more voluminous than the old one, is now proudly in place. But oh dear! It is sadly lacking those deeply cosy, Antipo-shaped indentations of the old one that fit me so perfectly!

In fact the new mattress is so firm and swells so proudly that it feels downright convex. When I tried to sleep on my front it felt like I was the lever on the fulcrum of a mountain peak, which pressed my guts to my backbone and seriously impeded the digestive journey of my cheese omelette and green salad. My head and feet dangled helplessly in the void.

Every time I tried turning over to lie on my side, I started rolling down the Alpine slopes. Finally I slept (fitfully) on my back and woke up with my spine bent into a C. My bosom now enters every room before I do.

Oh - and the mattress smells distinctly of whatever anti-allergy chemicals it was treated with to scare off dust mites...

It's also much higher than the old mattress, so I stumbled and fell inelegantly out of bed this morning. I limped and hobbled out to the kitchen, ouch-ing and aie-ing and clutching my lower back. I doubt I'll make it through the day without a long hot bath, some serious drugs and a team of chiropracters and massage therapists.

That mattress is definitely not hosting any nude, bed-top, wrestling matches for a least a month!

Friday, January 27, 2006

I Want To Be A "Nature Photographer" When I Grow Up

... nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Floodgates Have Opened...

Now that I want to write "naughty" things, I can't seem to stop! (Mum and Dad, please don't read this blog. I mean it, you are not welcome here. GO AWAY!)

I just mentioned to my boss that I wanted to leave the office for 15 minutes to take the car and pick up my son from school because he's sick. My boss said "Sure" and he asked me if I could drop him off at the local auto repair place at the same time, as he has to pick up his car.

Of course I don't mind, but I strangely found myself thinking "Ooh, wouldn't it be embarrassing if I had porny magazines or used contraceptives littering the front seat of the car, that I'd have to quickly sweep out of sight?"

I can't imagine why that silly thought crossed my mind. Firstly because I'm married to a tidy freak, so there is absolutely no extraneous object allowed to litter our car, and secondly because I simply don't own any porny mags or condoms! And I haven't done it in a car since I was about ... ooh.... 27 years old. (Mum, it was when I was already married. And it was with my husband. Please stop reading now!)

I AM going to up the naughtiness quotient - when I can be sure my parents have stopped reading.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Dear Management:

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends off, or public holidays.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I don't get paid overtime.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis


Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You're unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
- You have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Marital Bed Mini Saga

French Hubby recently bought a new mattress for our marital bed, the original one having taken 14 years to wear out...

It is to be delivered today, and last night he gave me precise instructions for the delivery men.

FH: If they offer to take the old mattress away, say yes. The new mattress must be placed in the hallway, not taken to the bedroom.
Antipo: Mmphhhssnnbgg okay... [snoring gently].

This morning I remembered nothing much, so I checked.

Antipo: Please sir, do you want the new mattress to be placed horizontally or vertically in the hallway?
FH: [immediately getting irritated, because it’s blindingly obvious in his dear little man-world, everybody knows how mattresses should be placed, of course]: Well of course I don’t want it horizontal, how will anybody be able to walk through the hallway?
Antipo: I mean, do you want it placed on its side or on its end? And don’t talk to me in that tone of voice so early in the morning!
FH: Just keep it simple, for God’s sake woman! [storms off to work, exasperated with stupid women.]
Antipo: What the fuck does that mean? [Flounces off to sulk in the toilet with Vanity Fair magazine, intending to instruct the delivery men to wrap the damned mattress in spiders’ webs and donkey droppings and hang it from the crystal chandeliers. Ha!]

I doubt that the new mattress will see any action for at least a month. Ha! again.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Thought For The Day

I can be a bit slow sometimes. I have only just realised, after years of being attracted to bald men, why they are so sexy.

It's because a bald man's shiny, round head reminds me of a big, swollen, shiny knob!