Naughty Letters to Ms. Mac

Countless noble souls (and many fluffy kittens) sacrificed their lives during the making of this blog. We think you will agree they were worth it.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sweet Surrender

I treated myself to an early night last night and Woweee! all that sleep was just what I needed.

Today I feel like I could go out and conquer the universe!

I could wrestle a streak of tigers in the jungles of Borneo!

I could not only take part in, but be the ringleader of a Bacchanalian orgy!

But you all knew that anyway, didn't you?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Working Girl

Yesterday evening when I was "making dinner" (i.e. heating up tinned ravioli for the kids), my Australian translating buddy stopped by to pay me for the monster translation we moonlighted on for three long, hard, months.

Instead of coming into the house, he phoned from his car and made me come outside in the street, saying he had a surprise. In full view of all the neighbours, he handed me a thick wodge of cash, saying "Thanks Baby, you were great!"

Then he shouted to my spouse, who was lounging in the doorway "Your wife is really great! Expensive, but it was worth it!"

I would have enjoyed it more had I not been clad in tatty jeans and a stained apron and I was having a particularly bad hair day. Evil Hubby laughed his socks off.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Love To Love You, Baby

Isn't it amazing how one interprets things so differently with the benefit of age and/or hindsight?

Driving to work this morning, stuck in traffic and listening to my new, second-hand, two euro, garage sale cassette tape of Donna Summer moaning and sighing through 'Love To Love You, Baby' , I couldn't help but titter as I remembered frequently hearing that same song on the radio when I was about twelve years old.

At the time, I liked the music but thought the lyrics boring, and wondered why the poor lady was moaning so much. Perhaps she had a sore tummy, or had been forced to do yucky homework. Maybe her little brother was being a real pain, like mine...

Those very same sighs and moans resonate quite differently with me today!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Fun and Games

Have any of you ever tried the following technique for some sensual naughtiness?

(1) Prepare a cup of hot tea and a glass of iced water. Swirl the hot liquid around your mouth for a few seconds, swallow (optional) and apply your hot mouth to a sensitive part of some one else's anatomy. Perform vigorous movements with tongue and lips for several minutes.

(2) Now take a few gulps of iced water. Repeat vigorous tongue and lip action.

(3) Alternate steps (1) and (2) for indefinite period. Satisfactory results guaranteed!

(Top Tip: mentholated chewing gum and hot chili pepper sauce can also be used for a variation on the hot and cold theme).

Baby, You Can Turn Me On

Dear The Lovely Tat,

After a ghastly day yesterday I am a vision of loveliness today in my new sparkly, lilac blouse with the boho sleeves, which remind me of you. When I first started reading your blog last year, you had me in fits of laughter with your antics: donning romantic, flowing boho sleeves whilst tackling the housework and cooking. It all ended in tears, of course!

Dear The Lovely Fluffy Bunny,

I am also wearing your black skirt with the flounce which "swirls so teasingly about my calves as I walk" (your words) and I fully expect vast hordes of gorgous men to be falling at my feet when I leave the office tonight.

Dear The Lovely Wendy,

You were so right! Sensible, flesh-coloured bra be damned! My lacey, white bra with purple embroidery is quite clearly visible through the blouse, and I'm not even blushing! My head is held high!

Love and kisses to all three of you!

P.S. A client called me at 8:30 this morning to inform me his internet connection had failed. He said, and I quote, "Please turn me on again". I screeched with laughter and replied "Oooh, I haven't had an offer like that so early in the morning for many years!"

Monday, May 15, 2006

Back to Bosoms!

I realise I haven't talked about breasts for quite a while, and some of you may be disappointed (Forest Green, where have you been?!). Fear not, because they are my Number One fave topic!

I've been a selfless exemplar of good mothering recently. I slaved hard at nights to earn extra cash to help pay for the criminally expensive tickets and passports to take my cherubs to New Zealand, where they can claim the rightful, indulgent, grandparental spoiling that has been denied them over the last two years. I have taught my innocent cherubs the value of giving time and money to starving children in Africa/Asia who have not the luxuries we do. I'm now planning two birthday extravaganzas for those lucky cherubs, involving giggling girlies gallivanting around an amusement park for the one, and restless rowdies rollicking and rucking at a rugby tournament for the other.

But enough of acting on my maternal and charitable impulses! It is time to indulge myself a little now, for I am suffering a ghastly case of boob slippage, due to the fact that all my bras are at least three years old. The elastic has completely given up, indeed, has shuddered, gasping to a halt, and my best assets are no longer receiving their rightful support. I may have to send them to therapy. (I wonder if group therapy would be a possibility!) Dearest Fluffy Bunny, you gave me those lovely undies, and I have simply worn them to death!

Come next pay day I'm longing to take my euros in my hot little hand to the nearest marchand de 'Over Shoulder Boulder Holders' and splash out on a silky, lacy, plunging creation in deep burgundy satin... Or a totally deviant black, leather peephole number with optional chains....

Actually, I may have to settle for a rather demure, seamless, flesh coloured affair, purely because - in a moment of wild and unbridled extravagence, I confess - yesterday I spent three whole euros on myself at a brocante, for this beautiful, but somewhat transparent, blouse:

Did the embroidery and sparkly bits catch your eye?

Fluffy Bunny is going to be so proud of me!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Oh No! Not HER Again!

My annoying colleague, the one I sincerely wish to murder grotesquely and at length, has developed yet another tic which will ensure that she doesn't go to heaven.

Instead of simply saying "D'accord!" (okay) when asked to do something, she replies "Dacc-o-dacc!"

This is on a par with those irritating people who chirp "Ciao-ciao!" in high pitched voices, instead of simply saying "Later, Babe!" in a gruff voice, which is far more sexy and appealing.

There's A Reason I've Become So Obssessed With Lilac

Most of the lilac trees in our neighbourhood sport huge, heavy and blowsy blooms that look as ponderous as bunches of sun-ripened grapes (or even breasts!).

This morning I noticed a rather stunted speciment, displaying a profusion of small and dainty flowers, in a much more discreet and ladylike manner of which I utterly approve. I'm trying to decide whether it's a specially bred and rare variety, or simply a deformed tree whose mummy didn't feed it properly when it was a baby. Or perhaps, like my own daughter, the baby simply refused to eat the good square meals provided by its mother!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sensual Spring Sensations

Here's our cherry tree just ten days ago...

and today.

Tomorrow I'll display a photo of a tree in our neighbourhood which is so thickly festooned with infinitely soft looking blossoms - massive, pink, woolly pom-poms - that I get the urge, every time I walk past, to tear all my clothes off and rub my nekkid self up against them!