Clarification

In reply to those who privately expressed to me their concern, upon reading the revelation of my velvet and chalk dust phobia, let me assure you that, strange as it may seem, I can handle scrotums.

Because The Previous Post Failed To Meet The Naughtiness Criteria

In the interests of improving my sex life, I had my first ever sexology treatment last night. The treatment itself was very relaxing: the throbbingly handsome doctor sensually applied three instruments to the nape of my neck, one pressed into each hand, and two into the remaining orifices. It didn't exactly hurt, but the girths were quite a lot larger than the pencil dicks I had imagined!

Their distinctive veined appearance inspired me to design a range of marble bathroom fittings in my mind's eye, while I lay back and relaxed for 20 minutes. A heavy golden shower thrummed pleasingly onto me.

Afterwards the sexologist said to me "As this is your first treatment ever, it might provoke sensations of intense pleasure and uncontrollable screaming."

Well thanks for the warning! If I had known that earlier, I wouldn't have scheduled the appointment in between two hot dates, an all-over, nekkid sensual massage class and tonight's meeting with my sugar daddy, duh! As it turns out, I survived and I'm just a little subdued today and not full on lusty and bawdy, thank goodness.

Note to self: fully research all future sexternative therapies before trying them.

The Lovely Ms. Mac kindly reminded me to make sure all instruments had been removed before I went home and bedded French Hubby, but she said it with a kind of smirk... I'm sure she really was hoping to hear about some hilarious marital misunderstandings. It would have made for a hot blog post...



[Editor's note: may contain some tiny untruths]

Just A Little Prick

In the interests of migraine prevention, I had my first ever acupuncture treatment last night. The treatment itself was very relaxing: the doctor simply applied three needles to the nape of my neck, one in the back of each hand, and two on the top of each foot. It didn't exactly hurt, but the needles were quite a lot larger than the hair's breadth I had imagined!

Their distinctive coppery appearance inspired me to design a range of jewellery in my mind's eye, while I lay back and relaxed for 20 minutes. A heavy rain shower thrummed pleasingly on the corrugated plastic roof (the consulting room is in a kind of verandah stuck on to the back of the doctor's house).

Afterwards he said to me "As this is your first treatment ever, it might actually provoke a migraine".

Well thanks for the timing! If I had known that earlier, I wouldn't have scheduled the appointment in between two international business trips, a publishing deadline and tonight's ballet class, duh! As it turns out, I'm just a little fragile today and not full on sick and irritable, thank goodness.

Note to self: fully research all future alternative therapies before trying them.

The Lovely Ms. Mac kindly reminded me to make sure all needles had been removed before I went home and bedded French Hubby, but she said it with a kind of smirk... I'm sure she really was hoping to hear about some hilarious nocturnal mishaps. It would have made for a good blog post...

Staving Off The Boredom

Frequently at work I receive publicity about and invitations to agricultural and agrifood expos and trade fairs. Some of them have clever-clever names.

I'd love to go to AGROTICA in Greece for example. I wonder what kinds of toys and appliances I might be able to buy there...

Then there's the Helexpo, also in Greece. It was named for me, Baby!

Foodapest in Hungary: nuff said.

St. Petersburg Wine and Vodka Fair: not so much clever-clever, but I do admire the no-nonsense, straight forward title. I'll see if The Lovely Ms. Mac wants to come with me.

Floristica in Dresden

Intercool in Dusseldorf: that sounds way cool.

Meatmania in Bulgaria: ooh-er!

And finally, the very intriguingly named Interprodmash in Ukraine. I have no idea!

Antipo Keeps Her Spirits UP!

Do I care that it is raining like buggery today?

I do not.

Neither would you, if you had the sexiest, most fabulously glamorous umbrella in the whole wide world!

Honestly, I just feel so sorry for you poor, deprived souls, who are wandering the streets with your boring black, your sensible navy or your offensive beige brollies.

You just don't know how good life can be when you're skipping down the street and splashing through puddles, equipped with a FUNbrella like mine!